dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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