On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
