Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
