Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
dude i'm inner monologue high
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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