Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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