You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
