She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
