Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
