If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
