this boner is exhausting
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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