my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
