If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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