Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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