My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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