Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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