During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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