apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
