She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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