You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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