i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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