This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
