Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
