1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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