I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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