so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
