just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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