and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
