My room smells like vodka and shame
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
