The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
