Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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