I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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