I'm drive I can fine osifer
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
