I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
