So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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