I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
