I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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