Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
