my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
