All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
