I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
