my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just blew my weed a kiss
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
