I seem to have left my pride at pride
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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