Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
