Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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