Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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