The maid of honor just puked.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
