How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
