My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
