You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
