You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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