we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
