Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
