nut hugger
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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