so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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